Hi, Carolyn: My mother-in-law — who was a wonderful woman — has declining mental acuity after a stroke and is sometimes rudely direct to me, my wife and her husband, in ways that are extreme extensions of traits she previously had but largely kept in check. This makes visits to see my in-laws stressful, and the last couple of times we’ve gone there have been a series of arguments that I’d love to avoid in the future.
Last time, for example, she was rude to me, and my wife interceded on my behalf, which then led to a large blowup between my wife and her dad. He is also dealing with the stress of caregiving and wanted my wife to overlook her mom’s behavior, which I would have been fine with. And I am embarrassed to admit it, but previously I have been the one to get annoyed, too, usually about midway into a week-long visit.
We are all basically kind people who mean well, but we’re struggling to be together. Is there some way to better bank patience or goodwill before seeing them? Any other tips? I did take a morning out midweek and go to a coffee shop last time, which helped, but we are otherwise somewhat cooped up at their place. They would be offended if we stayed at a hotel (and our kids enjoy staying with them).
— Anonymous
Anonymous: If I had a system for preloading goodwill, then I’d be in that business instead of this one.
I don’t think it’s the answer you need here anyway. Goodwill and patience are lovely, but in this case, they’re almost enablers: The problem is the underlying system, so your efforts to make yourself feel better about it arguably make the problem worse because they delay the necessary, bigger remedies.
The stroke changed everything. Your mother-in-law changed, so your expectations need to change, and your visits need to change. The problem I’m seeing is that each of you, to different degrees, is trying to keep visits the same and just white-knuckle through them. So it makes sense you’re all struggling.
(I mean on top of everyone’s struggle, of course, with a wonderful woman’s decline. I’m so sorry about that.)
