Dear Carolyn: About a year ago, my mom started taking a semaglutide weight loss drug and has lost 75 pounds, which she’s proud of — and I’m happy for her!
However, eating with her has become unbearable. She constantly comments on food: what’s “too sugary,” how little she can eat, how she doesn’t know how I can eat as much as I do.
For the record, I don’t eat too much, and these comments hit especially hard because I have a history of disordered eating that I’ve worked hard to overcome.
I suspect this stems from her lifelong focus on weight and negative self-talk — she’s always called herself ugly and overweight. (I’ve never known how to respond to those kinds of comments, either.) Sharing meals used to be our quality time, but now I dread it.
How can I handle this? Should I avoid eating with her altogether?
— Lost My Appetite
Lost My Appetite: It may come to that — and soon — if you can’t shift your mealtime conversations with Mom; sustaining your recovery comes first. (The National Alliance for Eating Disorders helpline is there if you need it: 866-662-1235.)
But it sounds as if you haven’t tried being direct yet. So do that first, in this order: 1. “I’m so happy for you.” 2. “I’m not comfortable with any talk of food, diets or weight.” 3. Change the subject. All calmly and with genuine warmth.
Repeat as needed, but don’t explain yourself or debate — because what is comfortable for you is not open to argument by others. Or even better: Once you’ve stated that you aren’t comfortable talking food, just skip to changing the subject if she ever tries to talk about it anyway. Or excuse yourself from the table. Don’t bother with being smooth.
This makes her choice very simple. If she wants to share meals with you, then she needs to talk about something else.
Dear Carolyn: My sister “Wendy” remarried this year. She has a 5-year-old son, “Tommy,” from her first marriage, whom I love madly, and now also has a 13-year-old stepson, “Joey,” whom I am constantly and unfairly being accused of overlooking.
