Dear Carolyn: Three sisters, all in mid-40s, all live within hours of each other and are generally very close. I, as the oldest, like to plan twice-a-year sisters retreats where we all travel somewhere fun. Lately, the middle sister is not feeling these outings. We all initially agree on plans, and then at the last minute she flakes out with some flimsy excuse and says she really doesnt want to go to that particular place.
Lately it seems that if shes not initiating the plans or event in general, shes not really interested. Yet, she expects us to show up at whatever event she plans.
How can we get her to open up about whats really bugging her?
Sister
Sister: Maybe its just bugging her to be bugged about this.
Maybe shes not happy with the eldest-directed status quo, and trying to change direction a bit. Heres how that usually looks: her saying no to stuff you plan, and inviting you to stuff she plans.
And maybe she hasnt spelled this out for you clearly because she has been met with resistance in the past when she wanted her say.
This isnt to defend the flake-out-last-minute method; even if its painful or awkward to, adults need to act like adults. Im just offering one way to explain it.
And a way to mitigate some of the frustration:
1. Dont vocalize my frustration or open her up. Just accept where she is right now and meet her there. Birth orders arent marching orders. Let her take the lead for a while.
2. Or, ask outright, kindly: Do you want to plan the next retreat? Or, rethink them, space them out, suspend them for a bit?
3. Or, take facts at face value and stop interpreting them.
Dont: She expects us to show up;
Do: She invited us then either go or dont go as you wish.
Dont: If [we] dont reach out to her periodically, we hardly ever hear from her;
Do: [thinks of sister.] [calls sister.] [quashes expectations.]
